


can't help but feel i've lost what's mine

by julyseok



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, OnghwangWeek, Post Break Up, Sad Phone Calls, Unrequited Love, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 08:35:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15703650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julyseok/pseuds/julyseok
Summary: It was one mistake to down bottle after bottle; another mistake to then call your ex boyfriend you left without saying goodbye.(for onghwang week day 6: blackhole)





	can't help but feel i've lost what's mine

**Author's Note:**

> small note: there’ll be one flashback scene which is italicized. the rest are all present.
> 
>  
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/galileosjuly) ☁️
> 
> enjoy!

It was already a bad idea when Minhyun picks up the first bottle; chugging it without a glass like a hero he assumes he is. It’s another destruction when he decides to switch on his phone, ignoring tens of messages from his friends, and goes straight to the contact file where a number sits in a deserted column; the alphabetical row he hasn’t clicked in years.

His thumb hovers the name for a good second or so, before he mustered his liquid confidence and presses it.

 _Drr drr_. The dialing hurts his head. Minhyun almost forgets how international calls have different tones. He plops himself down on his couch — once white, now beige with age and alcohol stains — and waits for his call to be picked. He chews on his fingernail, suddenly nervous. The decision was impulsive and Minhyun isn’t sure if he wants to hear a voice on the other line. What would he say? A hello seems too awkward, for someone he hasn’t talked to in almost four years. How are you’s would be good if only Minhyun had not been ignoring — 

“Hello?” Comes a voice; hoarse and almost grumpy. And Minhyun is caught off guard. He hadn’t counted the possibility of the man picking up the phone, let alone hearing the familiar voice again. The voice he once loved. Still loves.

“Helloooo?” The voice slurs, tone lilt with sleepiness. Minhyun would know. “If there’s no one I’m going to hang up.”

“Wait —” Minhyun’s breath hitches, anxiety bubbling from the pit of his stomach all the way up to his throat. He gulps down a rising bile, “Wait — Seongwu. Hi. Hi, it’s — it’s Minhyun.”

 _Remember me?_ Minhyun would’ve added with a chuckle if he didn’t have at least one shred of rationality left in his system.

There’s white silence in the line, but Minhyun knows Seongwu is still there; could still hear his soft breathing brushing on the receiver. His head throbs more when there’s still no answer; the pulse beating in his ears is louder than anything in the room.

It takes forever for the voice to emerge again. “Minhyun.” The tone of his voice is quiet, hesitant. There’s a brief pause before he continues. “It’s been years. Like, four years?”

“And a half.” The reply comes almost instantly, as if he’s been counting all this while. Minhyun has grown a habit of not tearing away calendars even though he should. Maybe dismissing the two thousand days he hasn’t been back to Korea would hurt a little less.

Seongwu lets out a short breath and Minhyun knows he’s disappointed, could almost picture the lines etched between his eyebrows. He used to press a thumb on his forehead whenever Seongwu frowns and it used to end with Seongwu pulling him in by his wrist, lines all disappeared as they kiss. Again and again.

The silence is almost suffocating. Minhyun feels obligated to say something. “I just feel— I just wanted to hear your voice. I’m sorry. I just miss you.”

“Are you... drunk?”

Minhyun takes another swig, wincing at the bitter liquid firing on the walls of his throat. “Maybe a little.”

“What happened to your no drinking policy?” There’s a hint of concern beneath the layer of careful teasing and curiosity. Or maybe that’s what Minhyun would like to believe. That Seongwu still cares.

“It’s easier to cope.” Another shot. “Being alone is only blissful when you want to be. Other times the silence is a constant screaming static in your ears. It took me a few trips to the bar to convince myself I can scream back louder if I want to. Before I pass out.”

Silence follows. “I stopped drinking.” Seongwu announces, then chuckles. “I’m even a tidier person now. You’d go crazy if you see how clean my apartment is.”

 _I’m already crazy_ , Minhyun thinks hazily. _The moment I stepped on the plane was already the most insane thing I’ve done._

“Yeah?” Minhyun responds. He leans back and takes a look on his surroundings. His own apartment is a cluttered mess; empty bottles laying mindlessly in the living room, unfinished take outs from the week before stacking up in the sink. If someone told Minhyun four years ago that this is him in near future, he would’ve laughed.

He now knows habits change over time. Being persistent over cleanliness and staying sober for the first eighteen years of his life didn’t matter. It only took him one plane down south for all things to turn dreadful.

Loving Seongwu wasn’t a habit if he’s still in love with him.

“I’m sorry.” Minhyun apologizes again. Hits his head repetitively as if the throbbing would stop by doing so. “I’m being a nuisance, calling you up at 3 a.m. You probably deleted my number already too and you have work— ”

“I didn’t.” Seongwu interjects. “Your contact, I mean. I still have it saved.”

“Oh.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t change. And that you still have my number.”

“I don’t delete stuff.” _What I’m trying to say is that I hover my finger over your name every day._ “Your name’s still in my favourites.”

“Even after all these years?”

_What do you think? Seongwu, I still love you._

“I’m surprised.” Seongwu coughs awkwardly. “Not in a bad way of course. Just— just wasn’t expecting it.”

Minhyun should hang up. Every time a silence follows it only brings more dread to him, reminding him that their conversations that used to be able to carry on and on for hours is not there anymore. Seongwu sounds different; voice scratched deeper, dialect fixed. If it wasn’t for his little quirks of speaking still remaining Minhyun doesn’t think he’d be able to recognize him.

“Minhyun.” Seongwu starts again. “Why did you call?”

The dreaded question. The pit of his stomach curls inwards, alcohol flaming at the bottom. 

“I— I miss you.”

“Minhyun.” His voice sounds strained, almost painful to hear. “Don’t do this.”

“I was a fool. I wasn’t thinking. I hate myself everyday for boarding that plane, for telling you goodbye. I blamed you for a few months for not stopping me but I realized it was my own fault. Fuck, I just—“

“Minhyun—”

“I miss you, Seongwu. I miss you.” Tears stream down his face. “I never stopped missing you. Every time you cross my mind my heart just aches and it hurts for hours. I’m starting to think I’m going crazy, it’s been four years, why can’t I forget you?”

He cries. It’s a soft wailing and there’s snot running down his nose interrupting his speech. It wasn’t until he feels the hard ground on his back that he realizes he’s all curled up on the floor like a child. 

“Seongwu.” He sobs. “Seongwu, I miss you. It hurts.”

↤

_“It hurts.” Minhyun whines when Seongwu dabs the alcohol solution on the cut. He hisses sharply when the liquid sinks in. Seongwu hushes him softly as an attempt to sooth him and quickly wraps a clean bandage around his palm, eyes continuously switching from the injury to his boyfriend’s face._

_“Better?” Seongwu asks a few minutes later after he cleans the kitchen table. All of Minhyun’s attempts of cooking go straight into the trash can, which he grumbles about underneath his breath._

_“The one time I try to be romantic I end up nearly killing myself.”_

_“And wasting a shit ton of food”, Seongwu points out, amused himself. He chuckles when Minhyun gives him a nasty look. “Min, I thought we agreed not to let December 2014 happen again.”_

_“First of all, at least I did not set the stove on fire this time.”  
Seongwu sneaks a glance on the remaining black smoke still dancing low on the burner, “Hard pass.” He laughs when Minhyun picks up a spatula, “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”_

_“I was trying to be a nice boyfriend”, Minhyun continues defensively. He lowers his voice, “I know you miss your mom’s seaweed soup and I know it won’t be the same, of course, but still”, he shrugs, face beet red in embarrassment._

_Seongwu’s heart swells. “Babe”, he chuckles._

_“I ruined your birthday”, Minhyun bites his bottom lip, eyes suddenly developing an interest on the kitchen floor._

_“You”, Seongwu breathes out, searching for the right words, “You didn’t ruin anything. How could you ever?” He smiles, “Minhyun, the fact you nearly died just to make me soup is the most someone has ever done for me.”_

_Seongwu didn’t miss the twinkle in Minhyun’s eyes when he looked up, and immediately leans down to pull Minhyun in for a kiss. Their teeth clattered in the rush and Minhyun laughed when Seongwu tried to fit on his thighs despite Minhyun sitting on the small kitchen stool._

_“Minhyun”, Seongwu whispered on his face, giving him an eskimo kiss. “I’ll never get tired saying your name.” He murmurs softly in Minhyun’s ear like a lullaby, “Minhyun. My Minhyun.”_

↦

“Minhyun.” Another pause. “Minhyun, I’m sorry, I— I’m seeing someone else.”

Minhyun doesn’t answer. Seongwu continues.

“I’m sorry. Listen, I— I miss you too, Minhyun. And it sounds like you’re having a hard time all alone in Australia. I think you should come back home, Minhyun-ie. We can work this through, okay? I can help you sort your matters here, recruit you into a company.”

“I don’t have a home.” Minhyun’s words come off as a whisper. “You’re the only one I have in Korea.”

“You still have me.” He pleads weakly. “I’m still your friend.”

“I don’t want you as my friend.” He swallows roughly and shakes his head in desperation. “Seongwu— Seongwu, I love you. Okay? I love you. I can’t see you as anything else.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath and that’s when Minhyun knows he crossed a line. “Minhyun, stop. You were gone for four years. _Four years_. You didn’t answer any of my calls, emails. I call your office just to be redirected to your secretary.” Seongwu sounds shaky; on the verge of either crying or shouting. “I was so mad at you, Minhyun. You were such a coward, I hated you. Was it so difficult talking to me? Was it painful to see that I wasn’t by your side the whole time? Because trust me when I say this, I was hurting more. You had a career ahead of you Minhyun, I had nothing.”

Minhyun wasn’t sure if he even deserves to hear Seongwu’s voice at this point.

Seongwu continues. “I eventually forgave you. It’s stupid, I wrote so many letters but I didn’t send any of them out. I promised in the last one that I was no longer angry. I can’t be for the rest of my life. I need to move on. Because you already did. I can’t keep my whole life waiting for someone who pretends I don’t even exist.”

Seongwu is crying by now. He’s sniffing heavily and his voice is muffled.

“Minhyun, you don’t deserve to call me four years later and tell me you love me. You can’t do this to me. You _can’t_.”

“You’re right.” Minhyun whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t— don’t apologize. I don’t want to stay awake for nights thinking again and again whether or not to forgive you.”

Minhyun nods to himself. 

“My offer still stands.” Seongwu says. “If you decide to migrate back to Korea. There’ll be companies wanting an Australian graduate. Tons, even.”

“I’ll think about it.” Minhyun’s reply comes off quietly.

“Babe, everything alright?” A voice that Minhyun doesn’t recognize appears softly on the other line. His breath hitches and there’s a bitter taste on his tongue.

“Yeah, I’ll be back in a minute.” The reply is faint, as if Seongwu is covering the phone with his hands. Minhyun should’ve seen it coming.

“Minhyun, I have to go.” Seongwu tells him. “Listen, if you change your mind, you can drop me an email. I don’t—”, Seongwu breathes out deeply, “It’s time to put an end to your sufferings, Minhyun. Come back to Korea, even if you hate it here. Make plans again, you’re never gonna get out of your misery by making yourself stuck in Australia forever.”

Minhyun misses the time when he’s the one giving emotional support. He’s always the more level-headed between the two; more organized in both work and emotions. 

“Thank you.” _For everything_ , Minhyun thinks sorrowly. For trying when he didn’t. Seongwu is right, Minhyun didn’t deserve him.

“And don’t drink anymore.” Seongwu says. “This demeanor doesn’t suit you.” He can hear his smile.

“Seongwu?”

“Yeah?”

Minhyun swallows. “You don’t have to forgive me again. I just want to tell you I’m sorry. For all these years. For being the biggest prick. You didn’t deserve that.”

It takes a while before Seongwu replies. “Thank you.”

Silence fills the line. This time for good. Minhyun listens to the static for a minute until he switches off his phone, throwing the device onto his abandoned couch. 

His heart feels lighter. It feels like he’s gotten and gave the closure he never knew he needed. There’s still a lonely ache creeping on his bones, and when he replays the voice of Seongwu’s significant other, he feels lonelier. She sounded pleasant, sweet. And that is what Seongwu deserves. Someone who would go to the ends of the world for him. Not someone who leaves him abruptly on one morning and is too scared to answer any of his calls.

Minhyun stares up blankly at the ceiling. It’s sad, he thinks, laying down on the cold hard floor, the buzz from the alcohol long gone. And somewhere in Korea, Seongwu is sleeping blissfully next to someone he loves. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow. Minhyun wonders if the hurting would cease even just the slightest bit tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments would be appreciated! thank you for reading, friends ♡


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